Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm so vain.......


The mantra doesn't translate well to the written word - but it was our "class yell" at Shawnee Mission Northwest.

My 30 year high school reunion was a couple of weekends ago - and I didn't go. Not because it was too expensive, or because we didn't have the time, or because we had something else going on. I didn't go because I am vain.

I don't like how I look. I'm big as a barn - and didn't want the people I went to high school with to see me this way. Why I care what those people think is totally beyond me - but - I do.

30 years ago, when I graduated from SMNW, I was not one of the - what you would call "popular" girls. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of friends - but I was a study in duality. While I ran with and spent lots of time with the "drama jocks" ( those in the plays and musicals) and the choir people - secretly I was also running with and spending some very interesting time with the football players and also (gasp) the "freaks". In the late 70's - students in high school were labeling themselves "freaks" and "jocks". "Jocks" were not just athletes, but anyone who was involved in something at school. Could be choir, band, drama, cheerleading, drill team, sports, even newspaper kids were considered "jocks". "Freaks" were what I think kids now call "alternative" kids. They were the ones that smoked pot, slept through class, glared at everyone and had no friends. I found them to be fascinating. SO - I had my friends that I hung around with most of the time, and then I had the "freaky people" that I ran with when no one was looking.

I thought it was the best of all worlds.

At the time, I was really really thin - like - less than 100 pounds thin - was blessed with crystal clear skin - and since I had a part time job, I bought myself all the latest clothes and of course make up and shoes. Okay - let's just be honest shall we? I was hot. There - I said it. I was hot. And am no longer.

So - here we are, 30 years later and I'm afraid to show my face because I don't want to be judged. But just look at the middle of this post. "jocks". "freaks". Really? Who was judging who? Clearly I was judging people. And now - I'm too afraid to BE judged by the very same people.

How vain can one person be?

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