100 Random things about me.

I really didn't think I could do this. 100 random things about yourself is hard. BUT - someone asked me to do it, so I did. Here goes....let me know what you think:

100 Random things about me:

1.love Macaroni and Cheese. Doesn't matter what kind, brand, or who made it. I love it.

2. You never know what you will hear on my IPod. Maybe Bach, maybe KD Lang, maybe Kidd Rock, maybe ZZ Top, maybe Keith Urban, maybe Etta James, maybe Tupac . I love all kinds of music. It's what feeds my soul. They will have to pry my IPod out of my cold dead hands. I want to be buried with my IPod ...playing random songs in my ears.

3. I read two to three books a week. I LOVE to read.

4. I have a business on the side. Custom art work, purses etc. www.starlightbutterfly.com

5. I am addicted to Project Runway. I realize it’s silly – but none the less, I watch it religiously.

6. When I retire I want to retire to Vegas.

7. I have 7 tattoos and will be getting more. I LOVE tattoos.

8. My daughter is the one person who can make me laugh when I feel like shit.

9. My kids are amazing.

10. I love thunderstorms.

11. When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

12. I want to be a writer when I grow up.

13. When I was little I wanted to be a nurse when I grew up.

14. Most of my very best friends are nurses. I admire them more than I can say.

15. I hate my job. Let me clarify. I love where I work, despise what I do.

16. If I could stay home and never leave my house ever I would not be upset.

17. I have never been west of Kansas - except Vegas.

18. I have never seen the ocean.

19. I love to fly.

20. Some day I want to meet Paula Deen.

22. I would really like to meet Tim Gunn or Heidi Klum someday too.

22. My favorite movie ever is "The Enchanted Cottage".

23. I love to play Texas Hold 'Em. When I grow up maybe I could be a professional poker player. 0r not.

24. I met my husband online 15 years ago when people didn't meet each other online. We met in a chat room. Not on a dating site. It was scary and fabulous and he is the most amazing person I have ever known- even though he drives me crazy most of the time.

25. I have recently discovered a passive aggressive tendency in myself. I find it to be interesting.

26. I don’t own a single shirt that isn’t intended for work that doesn’t have paint on it.

27. I used to think I was a good friend. Now I’m not so sure.

28. I love scary movies. Especially the ones that make me jump!

29. My first grandchild is on his way. I have looked forward to this for as long as I can remember.

30. I want to give my grandson the same kind of memories my grandma gave me.

31. In my next life, I want to be Carrie Underwood.

32. Ketchup is evil and must be destroyed. ( As we have previously determined)

33. I grew up living on a lake. There is nothing in the world like falling asleep to the sounds of the June bugs and frogs serenading the fireflies.

34. Ice cold Diet Coke with a squeeze of lemon is the bomb.

35. Someday I would like to learn to play the saxophone.

36. I love animals. Especially dogs. And birds.

37. Some day, I want to have an African Grey Parrot, or a Scarlett Macaw. I will never be able to afford either one.

38. I think George Clooney and Johnny Depp are sexy as hell – and I don’t care who knows it.

39. I wish I could take lessons in how to paint with oils. I am mostly winging it, and have not impressed myself so far.

40. Some day, I would like to have a long arm sewing machine and the room to house it.

41. My idea of heaven is a good book, a bottle of wine, a lounge chair on a nice shaded screened porch and all the time in the world to nap and read. . . uninterrupted.

42. I am a fundraiser and event planner at heart. Some day – I would like to have a job that allows me to do those things.

43. Nothing makes me madder than to have car problems. It is inconvenient, and costs more money than it’s worth.

44. My libation of choice is an extra extra dry Bombay Sapphire martini with an extra olive, shaken not stirred.

45. My second choice would be an ice cold Fat Tire. ( beer, not the Goodyear on the car)

46. I love to go to the movies. . . with a big huge bucket of movie popcorn, ah course.

47. I have been called “anal” where my work is concerned, but I prefer to categorize myself as highly organized and efficient.

48. My absolute favorite summertime treat is a hot fudge sundae, followed closely by watermelon.

49. If I were given a choice between having a million dollars or having my health, I would choose my health.

50. Only because I can work for money – sometimes no matter how hard you work your health doesn’t necessarily improve.

51. I am a tad bit paranoid about what others think of me. I realize it is a waste of energy but I can’t help myself.

52. Carrot cake is the bomb.

53. My favorite way to clean the house is with the stereo blasting 80’s big hair band music.

54. I figure if you have to clean, you might as well have fun doing it.

55. One of my biggest regrets is that I never got to see Michael Jackson live in concert.

56. I am deathly allergic to bees. Literally. I get a bee sting, I go down.

57. I can eat a big plate of spaghetti while watching “Trauma: Life in the E.R” with no problem at all.

58. But the sound of someone vomiting will make me vomit as well.

59. As long as we are discussing things that are gross – I can change a nasty diaper for a family member –but non-family member diapers make me sick to my stomach.

60. I wish I could play the guitar like Keith Urban.

61. I wish I could play the piano like Liberace.

62. I hate to wear shoes. If I am inside a building for longer than 20 minutes, the shoes come off.

63. I have to have a fan blowing on me while I sleep. No matter how cold it is. However, I also must have a cover of some kind as well. Even if it is 100 degrees out. Fan on, blanket on. Bizarre I know.

64. Cats irritate me. They have that “cat” attitude that makes it difficult to trust them. And they shed.

65. I believe if you go to a live sporting event you should be allowed to have a cold beer while attending. Even little league games. But that’s just me.

66. I am somewhat of a sports junkie.

67. I love football, hockey, basketball, and even baseball. Although I won’t watch baseball on TV. That’s entirely too boring. Like watching paint dry.

68. I have a pact with two of my friends. If I ever end up in a vegetative state, they will make sure I have on Chap Stick, a bra, and something interesting on the TV.

69. I will return the favor.

70. I am highly irritated by people who act like they are better than me. My feeling is, just because you have a better education – or upbringing – than me doesn’t make you better than me. It only makes you different.

71. I could eat mashed potatoes and gravy with every meal. Cream gravy – ah course.

72. I only use Jergins Hand Lotion – original scent. It makes me think of my grandma.

73. I only use Tide, and Downy – it makes me think of my grandma.

74. I avoid Walmart like the plague. It makes me a little crazy – and overly hostile to have to go there.

75. I hate to pump my own gas. I am totally capable of doing it, but really would rather not.

76. I love to mow the yard. My husband won’t let me do it, but I would love it if he would let me.

77. I hate my house. It’s tiny and I need more room. I have decorated it so nice though ( in my opinion) that I would love to be able to just add on a couple of rooms and call it good. My husband says absolutely not. We will have to move one day – to get the house we really want.

78. I hate to shop. Let me clarify – I hate to shop for clothes for myself. Shoes? LOVE it! ( shoes always fit) Purses? LOVE it! ( purses always fit) Craft supplies? Fabric? Books? Antiques? LOVE it all!

79. I wish I had the money to just go shop for the above without having to worry about how much I am spending.

80. I also wish just once in my life I could take a trip to Vegas and not have to worry about how much I am spending. Not that I would gamble my face off – ( I probably would) but I would like to be able to go to a show or two, have a nice meal or two, just really enjoy myself without having to pinch pennies.

81. I don’t think there are really 100 things that I can think of to say about myself.

82. I love sushi.

83. I sometimes think about how life would be if I were single. Not that I don’t love my husband – I do. But I have never in my life lived alone, with no one to answer to, no expectations to live up to. I’ve always had a room mate, a husband, or kids. I know it’s weird. But then – I’m weird.

84. When I grow up I want to be an interior decorator.

85. Or a pastry chef.

86. Or I would like to own and operate a bar.

87. One day – I want to take a ride in a hot air balloon.

88. I prefer night time over day.

89. And I prefer dark. I am forever turning off lights at my house, and in my office at work I never ever use the overhead light. I always use my lamps I brought from home.

90. I hate spring and summer.

91. Love winter.

92. But my favorite season of all is fall. When the air is cool and crisp, and the leaves are turning.

93. I believe in spirits and the ability to communicate in some way with them. I have had so many psychic events in my life I can’t mention them all.

94. I used to give psychic readings for a living.

95. I collect salt and pepper shakers. The kind that are called “go-togethers”. For example I have a set that the salt is a gun, and the pepper is a holster. One that the salt is Marilyn Monroe and the pepper is the pillow she is kneeling on. You get the picture, right?

96. I can forgive nearly anything. Except a lie. Don’t lie to me. I won’t be able to forgive you. At least not for a really really really long time

97. I’m glad I’m nearly to the bottom of this list. I am having to really think hard about the last few.

98. I like my eggs over easy or basted. Occasionally scrambled. Always with wheat toast.

99. And as long as we’re at it, I like my steak medium. Just this side of medium would be better. But if you say “medium rare” it comes out too red. So – medium it is.

100. I’m very shocked I thought of 100 random things about me.

There ya go! Whew!

Fabulous Friday

This has been a particularly difficult week. Which is strange – because I had an expectation that this week was going to be pretty good.

I guess that is what I get for thinking.

However – it’s Friday and Fridays call for relaxation and reflection. Right? No? Well – they do for ME and that’s what matters. ( the world does revolve around ME. I know you thought it revolved around YOU – but the truth is it revolves around ME!) LOL

So – Relaxation: Fridays are relaxing for me because they are slow days at work. My phone at work doesn’t ring as much on Fridays, and there are a lot of people that don’t work on Fridays so it’s a little quieter around work. That’s a nice way to relax. Without the hustle bustle of the normal work day.

Reflection: I have had things said to me, and about me this week that are going to stick in my craw for a very long time. I have always tried to be helpful and friendly, reliable and trustworthy. I never thought of myself as better than I am ( and frankly have been accused of not giving myself ENOUGH credit) – or at least I didn’t think I carried myself that way – and yet, somehow someone thinks I value myself more than I deserve. I don’t understand it. I can only hope – beyond hope – that some day that will be all cleared up.

This is a rambling, un-interesting post. I know that – and I am sorry for that. I guess I’m just so . . . ready for the weekend.

I hope you have a fantastic weekend.

Thursday Thoughts

I have a friend who is suffering. I don’t quite know what to do to help her. I pray. But I’m talking about something more tangible than that. I think she knows I love her, I think she knows I support her. I hope she knows. I don’t think there is anything in the world that hurts more than feeling totally alone. I know that in her suffering and in her pain, she feels alone. She feels that people don’t understand her, that she is carrying her burden with little or no help from anyone else, and that it is a never ending – up hill – battle. I know that no one reads this but me…but if you happen to stumble on this little corner of mine – take a moment and pray for my friend.

On to the next thought.

I am not what you would call a “foodie” I don’t think. That being said, if you could see me you would know that clearly I LOVE food. I do –however- have a few food “quirks”.

*Let’s start with my biggest food pet-peeve. I don’t want my food to touch on my plate. It makes me sick and I can’t eat it. My husband even bought me some divided plates because I will absolutely not eat food that has touched each other that shouldn't have. For instance – gravy belongs on potatoes, but if you have potatoes with gravy on a plate with veggies and a meat – none of it better be touching. Unless of course the veggie is corn. Corn gets in potatoes and gravy. . . . I’m all for that.

*Ketchup is for onion rings, French fries, and fried potatoes with onions. It must never be put on some poor unsuspecting piece of meat, a hot dog, hamburger or (gag) eggs. Ketchup is evil and must be destroyed.

*Food should be enjoyed at the temperature it was intended. If something is supposed to be served hot, then by GUM it should be served molten lava HOT. On the same hand – if something is supposed to be served cold – then it better be bone chillin’ cold. Do not serve me something that is room temperature if there is an expectation of HOT or COLD.

*White Castle is evil and must be destroyed. Need I say more? Really? Okay – then here’s the deal…hamburgers are supposed to be grilled or cooked on/ in a hot surface. ( ie: a pan or electric skillet etc) They are not supposed to be steamed. Further – nasty stinky re hydrated onions are nasty and stinky. They don’t deserve to be consumed by anything other than a garbage disposal.

*Really I could go on and on I suppose, but we’ll stop there. I will probably be able to come up with lots more another time. But at the moment – I’m hungry and need to get a move on. Oh except one more thing. Milk is evil and must be destroyed. It makes me gag. Literally.

So – ehm – what other random thought do I have? Oh yes. I have learned today that no matter how much you think you know someone; they will always do something to surprise you. In my case it isn’t necessarily such a good thing. I have had a “funny” feeling at work from a couple of people. Nothing I could really put my finger on – just felt….odd. I hate when the way you find out is to OVERHEAR them say something that is just plain not nice. Let’s put it this way – I don’t know who my friends are at work. I thought I did…now I’m sure – no no- not sure…POSITIVE that I don’t know who is.

And that’s where I’ll end. For today.

Testy Tuesday

Okay - so you won't get a long winded one topic post again today. It's because I am in a mood. I shouldn't be in a mood. I should be happy. The weather has broken, so it's not quite so hot. It's supposed to rain tomorrow so my parched lawn will get some relief, and the one person that irritates me the most at work is actually on vacation, so I'm getting some relief myself. That alone should be reason for endless happiness. But, none the less, I'm in a mood. Here's why:

*If you have 5 signs in one 15 x 15 space that say to refrain from using cell phones and other electronic devices, and to please move your hind end to another specified area of the building to use them, then why don't people comply with this?

So - we have a clinic waiting area that is approximately 15x15. In that 15x15 space there are literally 5 signs that state to not use cell phones and other electronic devices. It states that if you must make or receive a call to take it to the first floor lobby. It's not that we are just hateful people and want to make things difficult for everyone - in that clinic waiting area are 4 offices and 3 treatment rooms that are entered from the waiting area. If people are in their offices trying to work, and there is someone in the waiting area on their phone, or worse - several people on their phones - it is a noisy chaotic mess. I feel like 5 signs should be enough. Clearly it is important or we wouldn't have FIVE signs in one small area. Really people?

* I don't like speed limits either people, but tailgating me does nothing but make me angry.

I get it. I have a need for speed myself. But speed limit signs are not there for decoration - and while I don't like it, I do understand the need for limits and rules. If I am going the speed limit, and you are riding my bumper - I hope you have excellent insurance because I'm going to slam my brakes on and you are going to have to buy me a new car. Don't push me. I'll do it.


* And while I'm complaining about drivers - let's just add this. Throwing your trash out your car window is not only illegal - but irritating as hell.

I'm driving along, bee-boppin' to the music on the radio, preparing my brain for a busy day at work, when what should slam into my windshield? A McDonald's bag of trash - courtesy of the jackass in the car ahead of me. I don't understand. Who does the jackass think is going to pick up his trash? And if he is throwing that out the window, what ELSE is he throwing out the window? Glass? Metal? Lit cigarettes? Yes. It's pisses me off.

And so there you have it. Quite frankly I could go on for a long time - that's the kind of mood I'm in - but I will spare you the rant. But thanks for letting me at least get a LITTLE bit off my chest.

Faith

For much of my life, I was the most important thing in my life. I sought pleasure and self-gratification. My goals in life revolved around what I wanted and what would make me important.

I wasn't a "bad" person; I was even well-liked by my circles of friends and acquaintances (usually). I had a degree of compassion for people. But when it comes down to the bottom line, most everything I did was self-centered and self-serving.

I was raised with Christian principles and beliefs. I was raised to believe in Jesus Christ, and that he died for my sins. I was taught the Ten Commandments, and I was taught about good and evil. But going to church every Sunday and knowing a lot about the Bible doesn't make one a Christian.

As a teenager and young adult, I set aside what I had been taught as a child. At one point, I wasn't really sure I believed in God. I renounced my membership in the church to which I belonged. I pursued the best of what life on this planet could give me.

That was a very long time ago. Now, I am married to a man who claims to be Atheist. Much of this attitude stems from his childhood - his Mother spent most of his childhood dragging him from one church to another, different denomination's, different customs. He went from the strict Lutheran church to the laid back non-denominational Christian church. He went from the charismatic Pentecostal church to the quiet ritualistic Catholic church. At one time, she even attended a Jewish Synagogue. No wonder he had no idea what to believe....so he chose to believe nothing.

That being said - it's hard to be a woman of faith when married to someone who claims to have none. I remember Sunday mornings growing up - the hustle bustle of everyone getting ready to attend church together. I loved sitting next to my Dad in the pew, watching him smile as he sang the old familiar hymns at the top of his lungs - a sparkle in his eye - praising God in his own off key way.

After church - we would have breakfast together. Sometimes, as a real treat - my Dad would stop at the donut shop on the way home. We would laugh and eat, and carry on - together. The only day of the week we ever ate breakfast together was Sunday, after church.

Those Sunday mornings made us feel like our family was united, all on the same page, loving each other and our Father in Heaven. I should have exposed my children to that. I should have taken them to church. I should have - no matter what my Husband felt.

And now - I have my Faith - my personal spiritual path - it is, however, alone. I pray alone. I worship alone. I believe - alone. And while I know that ultimately our relationship with our God is a personal one - it is sad to not be able to share that with my husband.

But I will continue ...and I will pray for you. . . if you will return the favor.

Getting Older

As school starts up again, I'm reminded more and more of just how many years have passed since I was looking forward to graduation.

I remember stepping in to high school as a freshman, wet behind the ears and putting big plans in my spiral notebook. Cell phones were at least 15 years in the future, and most everyone drove cars with a manual transmission.

The class of 2014 has never found Korean-made cars unusual on the Interstate and five hundred cable channels, of which they will watch a handful, have always been the norm. Since "digital" has always been in the cultural DNA, they've never written in cursive and with cell phones to tell them the time, there is no need for a wrist watch. Dirty Harry (who’s that?) is to them a great Hollywood director. The America they have inherited is one of soaring American trade and budget deficits; Russia has presumably never aimed nukes at the United States and China has always posed an economic threat.

They will be armed with iPhones and BlackBerries, on which making a phone call will be only one of many, many functions they will perform. They will now be awash with a computerized technology that will not distinguish information and knowledge. So it will be up to their teachers to help them.

A generation accustomed to instant access will need to acquire patience. They will discover how to research information in books and journals and not just on-line. Their teachers, who might be tempted to think that they are hip enough and therefore ready and relevant to teach the new generation, might remember that Kurt Cobain is now on the classic oldies station.

The class of 2014 reminds us, once again, that a generation comes and goes in the blink of our eyes, which are, like the rest of us, getting older and older.

Currency

Working where I do – Easter Seals Crossroads – I see people suffering every day. Some by choice, some by the luck of the draw. Some are suffering because of a condition they have no control over. They were born with it. They can’t change that. They have a syndrome, or a condition that just is – what it is. Some made very poor choices. They took that hit of heroin and caused themselves to overdose, they had that drink and drove a car into a wall. They dove into water they knew wasn’t deep enough.

“Easter Seals Crossroads is a community resource working in partnership with children and adults with disabilities or special needs and their families to promote growth, independence and dignity. "

Notice the quote marks? That is what our official website says. And truly that is what we do here. We make a difference in the lives of people with disabilities. We provide services here that help people walk, talk, work,speak, and so much more. We have the kindest medical director, the best therapists, outstanding social workers, amazing nurses, people of all walks of life and circumstance all here for the same purpose. To help others.

We don’t make a lot of money. But we are not here for the money. What we receive is more valuable than any coin, worth more than any dollar bill. We receive smiles from folks who genuinely appreciate what we do.

This became so clear to me last week, when one of the people we work with looked at me and said “ THANK you. I don’t know what we would do without you.” He smiled. And he gave me a hug to end all hugs.

That’s currency that I can keep for a life time.

OMG

I had a completely different post ready ...I had sat here and written paragraph after paragraph and was actually pretty pleased with the result. But then - the phone rang.

My sweet Ryan - my sweet sweet Ryan - my Grand baby. He's not even here yet and I am totally in love with him. He is 28 weeks in the making and he is already my heart.

If you are of the praying kind. . . pray. If you are not of the praying kind...then cross all your parts and start sending out some good Karma - cause Ryan is being ornery - and he's not even here yet.

My daughter in law went in to pre-term labor this morning. Thank goodness everything is okay now - but it is so so so scary. I had a feeling that my daughter in law was going to have difficulty carrying him - but of course was hoping that I was wrong.

He needs more time.

My sweet sweet Grandson needs more time to grow. . . please God. Please. Let my sweet Ryan have more time.

Please.

Just Once

Just once, I would like it to be about me.

Just once.

It's so frustrating to try and tell a story, have an opinion or make an observation when someone butts in to the conversation and somehow, some way - makes it about them.

I have a friend who I love dearly, don't know what I would do without who does this on a very regular basis. No matter what I say, no matter what the conversation is about, this person talks over me, adds their two cents ( or actually most of the time its more like 2 bucks), one ups me, or makes it some how about them. It makes me feel like my opinion doesn't matter. Or more correctly- makes me feel like I don't matter.

Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm not considered as good a friend as I had hoped. I don't know. But just once, I would love for it to be about me.

Just once.

It's About Gestures...

Not the kind of gestures that would get you in trouble - like thumbing your nose at someone. Or - Heaven forbid - flipping the "bird". Not the kind of gestures that people make when they are having an animated conversation, flailing their hands all over and wiggling their hind ends. We're talking about gestures of another kind. Not physical gestures - what I like to call love gestures.

It just dawned on me the other day that when my sweet Son made a love gesture to his sister - it spawned a different kind of love for me. You see - a few Christmases ago - my Son was really suffering. He was fighting some inner demons that had him in the throws of a huge depression. He was drinking alot, being very selfish, and was breaking hearts. Not just my heart, or his Dad's heart - but the hearts of some poor unsuspecting women. He was miserable. Just watching him self destruct made everyone around him miserable as well.

Then - Christmas came. He was working and felt like he wanted to shower those that he loved with gifts. I'll never forget the look on his face when he told me about the gift he had chosen for his sister. He said - it was beautiful, just like her. He said - - - " When I first saw this Mom - I thought it was so PRETTY - so beautiful like her, she had to have it." His eyes had a look of wonder, of excitement, of - love.

The gift was a bamboo curtain with a huge butterfly painted on it. It definitely was beautiful - but not exactly my daughters "style". She didn't appreciate the gesture the way I did. He was disappointed. Of course.

I have always loved butterflies. But since that moment - that moment that she opened it and I saw what my Son found to be as beautiful as his sister - I have been almost obsessed with butterflies. I have decorated my craft room with them, bought butterfly necklaces, and have even gotten two butterfly tattoos.

It was a gesture. It was a gesture of pure love. I have decided that life is about that. It's about gestures.

I'm so vain.......

"C-C-C-O-U-G-A-A-A-R-S COUG-ARS NORTHWEST COUGARS!"

The mantra doesn't translate well to the written word - but it was our "class yell" at Shawnee Mission Northwest.

My 30 year high school reunion was a couple of weekends ago - and I didn't go. Not because it was too expensive, or because we didn't have the time, or because we had something else going on. I didn't go because I am vain.

I don't like how I look. I'm big as a barn - and didn't want the people I went to high school with to see me this way. Why I care what those people think is totally beyond me - but - I do.

30 years ago, when I graduated from SMNW, I was not one of the - what you would call "popular" girls. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of friends - but I was a study in duality. While I ran with and spent lots of time with the "drama jocks" ( those in the plays and musicals) and the choir people - secretly I was also running with and spending some very interesting time with the football players and also (gasp) the "freaks". In the late 70's - students in high school were labeling themselves "freaks" and "jocks". "Jocks" were not just athletes, but anyone who was involved in something at school. Could be choir, band, drama, cheerleading, drill team, sports, even newspaper kids were considered "jocks". "Freaks" were what I think kids now call "alternative" kids. They were the ones that smoked pot, slept through class, glared at everyone and had no friends. I found them to be fascinating. SO - I had my friends that I hung around with most of the time, and then I had the "freaky people" that I ran with when no one was looking.

I thought it was the best of all worlds.

At the time, I was really really thin - like - less than 100 pounds thin - was blessed with crystal clear skin - and since I had a part time job, I bought myself all the latest clothes and of course make up and shoes. Okay - let's just be honest shall we? I was hot. There - I said it. I was hot. And am no longer.

So - here we are, 30 years later and I'm afraid to show my face because I don't want to be judged. But just look at the middle of this post. "jocks". "freaks". Really? Who was judging who? Clearly I was judging people. And now - I'm too afraid to BE judged by the very same people.

How vain can one person be?