I am trying very hard to get past the fear.
I'm not doing so well at that.
Every little noise. Every little bump. Every little creak, moan, groan...every knock on the door, every time the doorbell rings...I jump. Nearly out of my skin. Just thinking about the break in ( which I try not to do...but it is really hard) and my heart rate rises, my hands shake and I feel the beginnings of a panic attack.
I have spent more years than I care to say with my therapist dealing with the feeling of being powerless. There are a few things I never wanted to say here - but now - it needs to be said. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member. It has taken me years and years to face it, and try to deal with it. You try to learn how to feel strong, powerful, in control of your own life. You try to realize you do have choices in this world...that you are safe.
Then -someone violates you in some way. I wasn't hurt during the break in. I was traumatized. I was terrified. I hid in my bathroom in my bedroom and my entire body shook as I listened to these people tromp around in my house....yell things....fling doors open.....and take things that didn't belong to them. My voice shook so much the 911 dispatcher could barely understand me. When the cops came in I nearly peed myself. (not knowing who was in the house ).
So now begins the work of trying to understand that when the ice maker dumps the cubes - it's not someone breaking a window. I think it's going to take a while...
Thanks for listening. I will try to be a little more fun and upbeat soon....
Maybe I should turn OFF the ice maker?