Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dealing With it

I am trying very hard to get past the fear.

I'm not doing so well at that.

Every little noise. Every little bump. Every little creak, moan, groan...every knock on the door, every time the doorbell rings...I jump. Nearly out of my skin. Just thinking about the break in ( which I try not to do...but it is really hard) and my heart rate rises, my hands shake and I feel the beginnings of a panic attack.

I have spent more years than I care to say with my therapist dealing with the feeling of being powerless. There are a few things I never wanted to say here - but now - it needs to be said. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member. It has taken me years and years to face it, and try to deal with it. You try to learn how to feel strong, powerful, in control of your own life. You try to realize you do have choices in this world...that you are safe.

Then -someone violates you in some way. I wasn't hurt during the break in. I was traumatized. I was terrified. I hid in my bathroom in my bedroom and my entire body shook as I listened to these people tromp around in my house....yell things....fling doors open.....and take things that didn't belong to them. My voice shook so much the 911 dispatcher could barely understand me. When the cops came in I nearly peed myself. (not knowing who was in the house ).

So now begins the work of trying to understand that when the ice maker dumps the cubes - it's not someone breaking a window. I think it's going to take a while...

Thanks for listening. I will try to be a little more fun and upbeat soon....

Maybe I should turn OFF the ice maker?


  1. Yes, ice maker off...and I think a soft classical music playing in the background of the house while you are home. ((hugs)) are precious and I promise it does get better.

  2. Saying a prayer for you as well. Feeling that way in your home is completely unfair.

  3. I have a similar background. I have had a lot of therapy and have dealt with most stuff. However, I still have those animal senses that come from being hunted. I still identify every sound, smell, emotion in a room. I have to in order to feel safe.

    I imagine that if I had experienced what you did, I would lose it. I would be back in therapy on a very regular basis and need strong anti-anxiety meds. I just don't know how I could deal with it.

    Cut yourself some slack. It will take time. Focus on what you have control over. That is where you can find strength and confidence again.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

  4. I have no idea what you are going through nor do I have any advice. The only thing I can offer is prayer.