Is anybody out there??

As I stated in my very first post here, this is about the gazillionth time I've started a blog. At one time I had a blog that was pretty popular. Lots of people read it, lots of people commented, lots of people followed it.

I wrote it faithfully. Sometimes more than one time a day. Something would pop into my head and I would make a post out of it. I was diligent and tireless at posting.

The comments became like a drug to me. The more comments I got, the more I needed them. In a very twisted sort of way I was addicted to my blog. Crazy sounding - I know.

That blog was my heart. It got really out of control. The more readers I got, the more comments that were made, the more I posted. And the more I posted, the more brave I became. I was willing to name names and point my fingers and I didn't care what the consequences were. After about 5 years of it - it was so out of control I had to delete the entire thing - and lay low for a while.

Not having that outlet was hard for me. Because the truth is - I don't really have a lot of people to talk to. And when I do - there are only a handful that don't try to either turn whatever I am talking about into something about THEM, or try to show me just h0w smart and . . . above me they are with their opinion and advice.

Don't get me wrong. I have some very good friends who genuinely care about me. But they are few and far between. And - it is getting harder and harder to know who I can trust. There are plenty of folks who CLAIM to be my friend that have proven otherwise. So - I pour my soul out here.

In the last few weeks I have come to realize why that is.

You see - when life is going well - I have no need to blog. I already feel validated enough, so I have no need to pour my soul into the world for just anyone to see. But - when things are bad. . . when I feel like no one is listening, no one gives two poops about me, my thoughts, my feelings...the blog fires up and I become almost obsessed.

So - it's not about the blog. It's about the feeling of loneliness and insignificance that fuels the fire of writing publicly. It's about trying desperately to be "heard". . .

It's pathetic, I know. But it's me.