What I Know About Men

I used to joke that I was going to write a book, a large coffee table book, entitled, “What I Know About Men.” It was going to be a big, thick, beautifully bound book. But, on the inside, there were only blank pages. Page after page of blankness. Nothing. Except for the middle page – there’d be a drawing of….uhem….uhh….a mans mysterious body parts. That’s it. Nothing more.

Yep, that sums up what I know about men. 200 pages of nothing – except a penis. Nothing more. That’s all I know about men.

Hold on a second -- I need to set the stage. Most of you here only know a little about me .You don’t have the full picture, so here are some things about me you should know:

• I’m well-rounded. I play piano, love women’s basketball, football, movies, read those book thingy’s, and I can win most games of “Scene-it!” (except the “Simpsons” edition).
• I’m rather educated – as demonstrated by the fact I just used “rather” in a sentence.
• I have a Father in law, son (more than one) male boss, ex-husband, ex-boyfriends, and one incredible man of a husband and therefore I do have a context of men. Plus, I’ve seen Dumb and Dumber, Transformers, The Hunt for Red October and played Madden and Halo on numerous video game systems. I’m qualified.

Yet despite all my qualifications, you guys are such a mystery. A quandary. A cornucopia of constant confusion, chaos, change, testosterone, contradiction of terms, and complexity. There is nothing in the world more fragile than a big strong hulk of a man; they are born able to miraculously fix any piece of equipment we mange to render lifeless, and we can’t stop (why we wouldn’t ever want to stop) falling in love with them.

I’ve been married to my sweet husband for nearly 13 years now, been living together since 1996 – known him since 1994. I have learned a few things through out the years. I now know more about men then ever. For instance, I now know:


(1.) Temporary insanity is real. Really REAL!! From what I know, women seriously could be acquitted of any crime if hormones are raging. Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken. I feel sorry for what women go through – I truly do. Bloating, cycle, roller coaster emotions, pain, cramping, discomfort – and that’s just when we miss a shoe sale at Nordstrom’s!! But menstruation? Terrible. I think God invented the monthly thing with women so men don’t get too comfortable and complacent with their women, thinking they’ve got this ‘relationship’ thing figured out. Because just when they think, “oh man, she digs me – I’ve got this relationship on cruise control, “BAM!!! She stabs him in the throat with a table lamp because his tone was off when he asked her, “Hey, what’s for dinner?” It keeps men on their toes, sleeping with one eye open.


(2.) Women deal with stress differently than men. Take this for example: He’s had a really hard week at work, his car is in the shop, and he’s feeling blue. He calls up his guy friends and says “Rick, Jeff, Chris – look, it’s been a hard week and tonight I want it to be just us guys and I need to dance. I just need me and my boys, no girls, and I just want to dance everything out of my system and let my cares be swept away to the rhythm of the night and some cosmopolitans. Rick, what are you going to wear? Can I borrow that Cashmere sweater? No, the hunter green one you wore last week at the shooting range. Let me take a soak in the tub and I’ll meet you at the club at 9pm.” Yeah. That will never happen. No, he would go on the patio, drink a beer, and stare at the plastic wading pool. Or maybe he’d play a violent fighting game on the Wii. Or go for a run, lift some weights, or punch a kitten. But the difference is this: women vent in packs and men most often vent solo, if at all. But, I will say this – man’s failure to properly vent more often than not results in them taking it out on us women. We are much better at this than they are – maybe we are on to something…where is my cashmere sweater???


(3.) Girls are like nun chucks: they are awesome! But when men mess up it hurts ...a lot. Us girls are smart. Men can be mean – up-front, full head-on, nothing surprising or hidden in their attack. Blunt, rude, un-thoughtful, and cruel. Ruthless and terrible in their ‘shock-and-awe’ way in which they attack their women. They wound with their words like a dull instrument. But women? We are like Navy Seals or Special Forces –we can sneak up, lay down a line of nuclear bombs, and be gone before men can even utter, “Did you hear something??” If more men would realize that a woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon, then men would be on their best behavior a lot more often. Men are not wise to pick fights with women. Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by a woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. A woman is like a tea bag - she only knows her strength when put in hot water.


Those are just some of my thoughts. To generalize on men is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse. But in conclusion I always come back to this: I love my man. All of him. He is complex, passionate, crazy at times, funny, frustrating, and intoxicating. Life would be so boring without him. I think God knew what he was doing when He made men – especially my man. I think that man is not a perfect picture of God. Neither is woman. Together, the unique attributes of both man AND woman combined represents the best picture of who our God is. Wild, but logical. Passionate, but constrained. Fierce, but gentle. Loyal, yet jealous. Just, but forgiving. This is how God intended it to be – and why He wanted Adam and Eve together in the first place – so we would know a little bit more about His love for us. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good -- luckily, this is not too difficult (for women). So, I don’t know if I’ll ever figure out men, or even my man, but I have figured out this: I love my man and for any short-coming or complexity or challenge or craziness I’ve articulated, I’m beyond certain it’s all due, in part, to something he’s done. It’s all man’s fault. See? I guess I really have figured out men!!