Reflections

Sorry for the silence the last few days....having a house guest ( yes - the FIL) and of course all the Christmas goings on and the family get togethers and the food preparation and then the exhaustion that comes from it all - left me with much to say but no energy to say it. Christmas was pretty much what I expected. Exhausting. But I got to see my sweet Grandson and so for me - it was a perfect Christmas. Holding him and snuggling him and rocking him and breathing him in was the best gift ever.

So here we are on New Years eve and I'm doing what most everyone else is doing on this day. Reflecting. 2010 has been a year of changes for me....

I finally feel fairly settled in my job. Because things always seem to have a way of blowing up in my face, I have a tendency to feel a little shaky in the employment arena. But - I do feel settled now. That is definitely a change for me. I feel that while the job I am doing may not be to my complete potential - it is rewarding in its own sort of insignificant way. While I am not a nurse, or a therapist, or in any position of importance, I am the "keeper of the gate" so to speak. Since we serve the disabled community, helping people to get in to see the professionals that can help them live better lives is humbling and rewarding. I have met people that have touched my heart, changed my thinking and made me question my own place in this world. It is truly a privilege to work with these folks. And - beyond that - to work with a doctor who is genuinely in it to help people...who has the purest heart of anyone I know - well that's an honor.

2010 brought me an empty nest. My youngest child moved out into his own place - a friend of mine adopted my dog - and left my husband and I alone - together. For the first time in our relationship we are alone. Just us. No kids. I'm thrilled to be able to announce that we do actually like each other. It sounds silly I know - but when you throw four kids together and call them family - when you move in together having only known each other in a chat room online - it was a frenzied sort of life for nearly 15 years. Now - alone together - I find my husband to be sweet, funny, kind, and fun to be around. Thank goodness. After all these years of marriage - let the courtship begin.

2010 also brought me a new daughter in law. My sweet son got married and my life is forever changed. He - no matter how old he gets - is my baby. My first born - my sweet boy. The keeper of my heart. And now - he is a grown up. He's a married man and while I am so very happy for him and absolutely in love with my sweet daughter in law - it's life altering to watch your child grow up and get married. ( and yes I do also have a daughter in law with my middle son - but - they eloped and I didn't have the same heart wrenching experience ).

Obviously the biggest change for me this year was becoming a Grandmother. As I have written before - being present for his birth is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life - and I feel spiritually connected to him in a way I never thought possible. I love my children. There is no doubt about that. But the pure, crystal clear, warm, fuzzy, delicious love I feel for this child is beyond compare. I can't wait to make the kind of memories with him that my Grandmother made with me. It is a feeling that makes me tingle all over.

There have been some little, subtle changes for me as well - the break in has proven to me that I am so not as strong as I thought I was. I thought I was getting close to being able to part company with my therapist - only to realize I have such a long way to go. I have also realized that a couple of people that I thought were really close friends don't share the same opinion of me - and I am still trying to figure out exactly what that means. I have started writing again - which is a nice change for me. I have put more time and effort into playing piano and that has proven to be not only a delightful way to expend my sadness and energy, but beneficial to my overall playing ability. I have changed directions in my art - and am looking forward to seeing what comes of the attempts...and have changed from watching TV to reading as a way to relax and recharge.

I am not a resolution making sort of person - however - this year I am making an exception. First, I am going to try my hardest to clean my vocabulary up. I don't know how, why or when my mouth became so filthy - but I am going to try my best to stop the profanities. I know it won't happen overnight - but I am going to work really hard at that. Second, I am going to try to do my job as best as I can and not get myself so invested in other people. As I said before I thought I had some good friends, that just happened to work at the same place as me - but have realized in the past month that is not necessarily the truth, so - I will concentrate more on my job and less on my coworkers. Third - I am going to try really hard to finish what I start. I am notorious for starting a project and letting it slide by the wayside - 2011 is going to be the year of completions. Hopefully. And finally - I would like to talk less, and love more. We'll see how that works out.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2011 is everything you hope for.