I'm falling apart.
Slowly but surely.
No one can see it but me...but trust me...I'm falling apart.
This is going to sound so selfish - and I don't mean to be this way - but the truth is - I am not dealing with my life very well. I mean - I had sort of gotten used to our little life as a married couple with no children. My husband and I have never been without kids. . . so when our youngest moved out last April - it was a brand new experience for us. And we liked it. Watch whatever we wanted on TV as loud as we wanted - eat dinner at a regular time, sleep in - or not. Go out and about whenever - no one to answer to, no one to worry about - no one to concentrate on but us.
And - the truth of the matter is - I love my son to death - and I love my grand baby to death - but I'm not dealing with the sudden onslaught of baby paraphernalia and the constant care a baby takes very well. My son does the care taking of his son when he's not working for the most part- but he doesn't seem to care too awful much if lil' man screams or not. I - on the other hand - can not STAND the sound of a crying baby. It makes me so upset - simply because I know there is no need for it. Why let him cry like that? Why let him get all worked up when there is no need? Why not figure it out - ? In a timely manner? I mean - the boy has one speed and its S-L-O-W. Those of us who have children know that a baby waits for no one. They want what they want when they want it and it's a guessing game. You guess - and they will let you know when you get it right. Are we wet? Are we hungry? Are we tired? Are we bored? Do we want held, left alone, sung to, walked, put in the swing, burped, jiggled, folded or spindled? You just have to try it till you get it right. And then dingdingding - we're happy again.
Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to be critical. But the selfish part of me is thinking - HOLY MOLY. What happened to my quiet time after work? What happened to being able to come and go as I please? How awful and horrible and selfish of me to mourn the passing of my own life at the expense of this innocent lil' man who I love beyond love? I'm a terrible person. I'm going to Hell.
On the flip side - he has changed SO much over the past few days. One day he was barely rolling from back to belly and now he is rolling all over in a barrel like fashion and inch worming across the floor. Friday night he needed toys held in front of him and by Sunday afternoon he is reaching and grabbing and playing a little on his own. And alert? OMG. No more eating and then sleeping and then eating and then sleeping. He's a big boy staying awake for at least 2 hours after his morning bottle - and for several hours in the evening. His Granny is in love with him....and that's why I feel so guilty.
It's a kerfuffle.
Transitions are so hard. And it sounds like you're in a big one. Give yourself time and cut yourself a break. You're not a bad person because you miss your space and are having some difficulty adjusting.
ReplyDeleteMake sure that you are meeting your own needs, too. It would be easy to fall into the mother trap of sacrificing everything for the little guy. Just try not to do that to the point that your son doesn't learn to meet the needs he is responsible for as well.
Good luck. You'll get through it. And I don't think you're going to hell.